


Hange and Who?

by Gingersaurus



Series: The Mysteries of Hange Zoe [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-25
Updated: 2017-04-25
Packaged: 2018-10-23 17:29:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10723935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gingersaurus/pseuds/Gingersaurus
Summary: Members of Squad Levi hear sounds of pleasure coming from Hange Zoe's room and try to find out who else is inside.





	Hange and Who?

**Author's Note:**

> Looking to add more stories to the Mysteries of Hange Zoe series. Open to suggestions!

Petra Ral’s senses were on high alert. The creaking wood perked her ears. The heavy thuds sent her into a cold sweat.

“Oi, Petra!” Oluo called from down the corridor.

Petra froze in fear. Would Oluo’s voice give her away? She shot a sharp glare at her comrade and rose a silencing finger to her lips. This could ruin everything.

“Huh?” Oluo said quizzically.

Petra waved him closer to her. It seemed that, for now, the target had not noticed them.

“Petra, what are you…?” Petra indicated that he should quiet down. Oluo lowered his voice and finished his sentence. “…doing?”

“Listen,” Petra whispered.

Oluo focussed on the sounds around him. Though it soon became unnecessary. They heard shouting.

Oluo’s face fell. “What…? Who…?” he stammered.

“I don’t know,” she said. “But I’m going to find out.” She lowered herself and pressed an ear against the door. She pulled away once she had confirmed what she believed to be true. “No doubt about it,” she said softly to Oluo. “Captain Hange Zoe is…”

Oluo’s eye’s widened. “It… can’t be…”

“Yes. They’re having sex with someone.”

This was an unprecedented event.

“That’s not possible,” Oluo said. “No one would be willing to go to bed with that freak.”

“I didn’t believe it either, but… listen, you’ll hear it too.”

Oluo reluctantly leaned towards the door. There was no doubt about it. The moaning. The gasping. “Hahaha! Great handy work! You’re always thinking up something—HA! AAAH! —new.”

Oluo’s gaze was dark and serious as he brought himself away from the door. “You’re right. Four-eyes is having sex. Good observation, Petra,” Oluo said proudly.

“Don’t patronize me,” Petra snarled.

“But the question is, who on this base has enough screws loose to have sex with the Captain?” Oluo asked.

“That’s why I’m here. Not because I like listening to Hange having multiple orgasms or anything,” Petra blushed, “but because I have to know who else is in there. For curiosity’s sake. For human curiosity’s sake!”

Oluo flipped his hair dramatically. “No worries, Petra. I understand. But you need not fret any longer. I know exactly who it is.”

“Really? How?”

“Corporal Levi.”

“What?” Petra fumed. “Why would he…? How do you know? Is that really the Corporal’s type?”

“I’m sure of it,” Oluo said. “Listen.”

Petra returned an ear to the door.

“Oh wow! Your hands! Ah! Your hands are magical!”

Petra stared at the ground in disappointment. “It’s true,” she said. “The Corporal does have the most dexterous hands on base. Probably even in the entire military.”

“Exactly,” Oluo huffed. “So, it’s settled then. Corporal Levi is— “

“Corporal Levi is what, Oluo?”

Petra and Oluo spun around. “Corporal!” they whispered in unison.

“What are you doing here this late?” Levi asked.

Petra and Oluo hushed him. “Corporal, please, lower your voice!” Petra pleaded.

“Why? This is just Hange’s room. Four-eyes probably isn’t even asleep yet. Hey, four-eyes!” Levi went to knock on Hange’s door.

“Corporal, no!” Petra cried. Levi looked over his shoulder at her and raised an eyebrow. “Hange is having—er, rather—Captain Hange Zoe is, uh, engaging in intercourse, sir.”

“Huh? So four-eyes is getting fucked tonight?” Levi said.

“Well, yes, you could say it like that…” Petra replied.

“And you’re listening because…?”

“We want to know who it is, sir,” Oluo answered.

“Isn’t that obvious?” Levi sighed.

“Sir?” said Petra. “Who do you think it is?”

“It’s not who I think it is. It’s who I know it is. One of the new recruits, obviously. This never happened before they arrived. And guessing by the amount of energy it takes to be in the same room as Hange, it’s gotta be that girl that’s eating all of our rations. She’s weird enough to— “

Before Levi could finish his sentence, he heard footsteps at the other end of the hall. He and the others looked over to see Sasha sneaking back to her room from mess hall, arms loaded with bread.

There attention was drawn back to Hange’s door by a loud scream. “OH YOU’RE SUCH A BEAST!”

“Or it could be Eren,” Oluo speculated.

“It’s not Eren,” Levi explained.

“That’s right, Oluo, Eren is so loyal to the Corporal’s orders he wouldn’t leave his room in the cellar at this time of night,” said Petra.

“Exactly,” Levi agreed. “Eren isn’t having sex with Hange or tied up in my room while I go find something to use for lube before fucking his ass like the Wall’s gonna fall by morning.”

“What?” said Petra.

“What?” said Levi.

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” Petra said.

“Hear what?” Levi said.

“The part about you and Eren… you know what, never mind,” Petra said.

“You’re right. There’s more important things to attend to right now. It’s against protocol for a senior officer to have intimate relationships with a cadet. I’m going in to stop them then think of an appropriate punishment by morning.”

“Isn’t that a little hypocritical?” Petra mumbled.

“What?” said Levi.

“Nothing!” said Petra.

“YAHOO!” said Hange.

“Tsk. Disgusting. If I never hear that again it will be too soon,” Levi snarled.

Oluo nodded. “Tsk. Disgusting. If I never hear that again it will be— “

“Shut up, Oluo, don’t copy the Corporal,” Petra said.

Levi raised his hand to knock, but Petra stopped him again.

“Wait!” she said. “What if it’s Commander Erwin?!”

“Petra, I’m done with guessing, I’m— “

“Or Sonny!” Oluo gasped.

“What?” said Levi.

“Or Bean!” said Petra.

“C’mon, those are titans,” said Levi.

“Or Sonny AND Bean!” said Oluo.

“Dead titans,” said Levi.

“Oh LAWD!” said Hange.

“That’s it,” Levi said.

“Corporal, wait!” cried Petra.

But it was too late. Levi knocked on the door. “Hey, Hange!” he called.

Petra and Oluo looked at each other. Maybe they should leave? But, no, they’d come this far, they had to know who was in there.

For a moment, there was silence. Then the moaning and the creaking of the bed frame picked up again.

Levi pounded his fist on the door. “Oi, four eyes!”

The sounds of pleasure got even louder.

Levi furrowed his brows. He grabbed the doorknob.

“C-Corporal!” Petra said as she went after Levi as he strode into the room.

The three stood in the doorway facing the bed. Hange was thrashing around on top of their sheets, alone, with a hand in their pants. “Oh, more, please, more, more!” they said.

Dumbfounded, Petra and Oluo backed out of the room, turned away from each other, and went their separate ways in the hall.

Levi looked around the room. He noticed an open bottle of cooking oil on the bed side table next to Hange, who seemed to be in so much ecstasy they did not notice their comrades walking in on them.

Levi strode across the room and picked up the bottle. “Gross. But it’ll have to do,” he said. He walked out of the room with the oil in his hand and closed the door on Hange’s excited laughter.

Elsewhere in the headquarters, Petra lay in her bed staring up at the ceiling. She tried to block the images she had just seen out of her mind. But something still bothered her. “After all that,” she said to herself, “how could we still not know what Hange’s genitals are?”


End file.
